My life part 4.

So I have been a big slacker on updating my blog along with other things in my life. I'm hoping I have finally figured out what I need to do to feel whole again and can actually take the steps in accomplishing this. Following through when it comes to myself is not my strong suit...

Have you ever felt like you are so different from everyone around you that you just feel as if no one could possibly understand how you feel? With all the baggage I have carried in my life this is exactly how I feel. So I shut down and dont even try and talk about it. How could anyone possibly understand what is going on in my head having not lived my life? Hell, sometimes i don't even know what is going on in my head.

I am realizing I am not as strong as the mask I try to wear. Frankly I am tired of that mask. Its hard work. This makes me feel like a failure. I should be happy for everything I have around me. My husband, my kids, my new beginnings, my beautiful home and  what I like to think of as my fairytale ending to the life I have had. But I am not. I am full of this blah. Not necessarily depressed but more like I am utterly alone. I want to be understood more then anything. Seems like a ridiculous thing to want. I also dont want to FEEL like I am always being judged by people. Even though I know most of that is in my head, I still feel it though. I don't know why but it drives me nuts because it keeps me from getting outside this house and living my life.

 I want to be me fully and not worry about what anyone else thinks of me but I seem have to forgot who me is. What do I enjoy? Reading, playing with my kids, walking in the woods, most of all helping other people. what else?

  Last night I got a email from a amazing lady who sent me a article about all these famous people who went through bouts of depression, worked on it, and went on to do amazing things for people. I don't even think a lot of these people realized what they have done for people over the years. But before they could do for others they had to do for themselves. I know that I have a lot to offer and a amazing story that could help people and helping people is pretty much all I have wanted to do. I think to fully be able to do this for anyone I have to do it for myself first. After coming to this realization I slept like a baby. I need to take some steps and just wish I had noticed this earlier in my life instead of ignoring it.


This Summer has been full of so many wonderful things it has also dug up a lot of emotions I tried to bury. Most noticeably guilt. Mounds and mounds of guilt. I think guilt is one the hardest emotions to live with and I dont want to live with it anymore. I thought it was a feeling I had dealt with and put behind me but alas I just buried it and tried to move on. Once I put my story out there and had the summer I had it all came back to the surface and has eaten away at me to the point where I just sit in my home most the time and enjoy my children. I need to work through it. I need to be outside this house and these walls I have built around myself enjoying my life. These walls arent protecting me from any hurt.

I titled this post as a My Life post. Even though it doesnt tell you about my past life it does tell you about something I have struggled with a long time but ignored. Bring it Tamara I am ready to face you and all the pains of your past so they can be put in the past and I can move on. Also, rock on sister!