It started Sunday night and is still going on today. Today has been the worst though. I have caught myself many times today looking for that phantom wine glass or getting up to go pour a glass of wine. There is no wine glass or any wine for that matter. For which I am very grateful. All there is is this jumbled mess of feelings that I am having to deal with and don't know how, the wine always did that for me, or the drink. Now I have to deal with it all on my own. And I find it very frustrating not knowing what it is exactly that is wrong. I now what started me feeling this way but that is over, done and forgiven.
I have prayed a thousand prayers today for my obsession to go away. I read a 700 hundred paged book yesterday (to escape my head). I rushed home yesterday after having a near panic attack at Target and have been here since. I don't trust myself out there right now and am doing what I can to keep me safe. Me sober. I have read countless chapters in the "Book" today. Have talked to my Bonnie. Took a hot bath. Spent time in the sun with the girls. And still I am stuck in my head.
Isolating = Bad, but I know not what to do.
I know this to shall pass. I know I am a good person who is stuck in a rut of self loathing, which I hate more then anything. I find it to be quite embarrassing and ridiculous. I want this journey to be easy and I know thats not how its meant to be. I want everyday to be filled with unicorns farting rainbows that smell of roses. Seriously.
I hate the thoughts in my head but I am grateful that I am sober. I also know I am not this horrible mother that my head has been telling me non stop all day...Right?
1 comments:
sounds like you're doing your work - one day/hour/minute at a time. it sux at times :)
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