2011

 I kind of disappeared from writing here. For 2012 i would like to start updating here more often. We will see if I can stick to that...

What a ride this last year has been. I have learned a lot this year. I learned about friendships, the power of faith, the wonderful thing called letting go. I used to be big on "I will forgive but I wont forget." Well thats not really forgiveness. To truly forgive you must forget. You can't continue to hold things against people. You are just causing more damage to yourself when you do that. And there's no forgiveness in that way of thinking. I still have moments with the forgetting part. I'm getting better.

March 19th I had my last drink and that entire evening is a bit of a blur to me. I have told what happened and I have listened to the 911 call. So I get the pain I caused a few people. I knew when I woke up in the hospital that there was a problem. It took me a few hours to realize the problem was my drinking. It had got out of hand. So I went to a treatment. There a i learned that I was holding on to my past with a death grip, and it was killing me.

I had SO much guilt that was consuming me and the only time it let up was when I had a few drinks in me. I had lots of whys to. I wanted to understand it all. I just didnt want to hurt anymore. I learned in those 30 days to forgive myself. The best gift I have ever given to myself. It wasnt easy. I still have moments where I beat myself up for some of the choices I made. Now I am able to put a positive spin on things and not be so negative towards myself. I don't allow peoples judgement of me effect me so harshly. Every one has a different perspective to the same situation. I lived my life and I need only worry about my perspective not anyone elses. Its my life after all and I have lived every second of it. And with all honesty, I really wouldn't change a second of it.

My past doesnt define me but it has made me who I am today. I really kind of dig who I have become. There are things I would like to tweak here and there and I am working on that.  Each night I look at myself and I think of something I would like to work on about me. I pray about it and ask for guidance and then strive to make those changes the following day. Baby steps and its working. I don't focus so much on the past but just on the present and what I can do this moment to make a difference that in turn will effect my future. I will never be perfect and I know this will be something I work on for the rest of my life. Thats fine by me. Bring the growth and continue to experience the glory of self love. In that you learn to experience loving others in the way they are meant to be loved. How can one not be happy with that??

It funny, I have heard from so many people who said that they became so anti social when they drinking to the extreme. I was the total opposite. I became a social butterfly. I didn't want to be by myself. I wanted to have F-U-N!!! I didn't want to be alone when I was sober, not all the time but a lot of the time. Being sober was the chore. Being caught in my head was excruciating and I didnt want anyone to know the over whelming pain I felt. It was hard to be around anyone while I was sober. I felt like a outsider. It was easier to stay out of my head though if I was with others. Put me by myself and I was a mess. Put a drink in me and it was on. So I drank and became social not anti social. Does that make sense?

Now though I LOVE to be by myself. I love being with me. I have become less social since I got sober and its fine with me. Im not in pain when I am by myself anymore. I dance, I sing, I get stuff done. I smile at myself in the mirror. I also tell my face to stop acting like its a teenager. I am 35 my face should look 35 not like a pimply teen!!! I like me now and I like spending time with me.

I am thankful for the year that was 2011. I am saddened that I did loose a few friends in this process. Good friends. It was hard for them to handle what I had done because of their own past issues. So, yeah, that kind of sucks. But its okay. Everything happens for a reason and those people will always be remembered with the fondest of memories.

Anyway, good bye 2011. You taught me a lot. I will always remember you as the year I broke from my cocoon and got my wings. I hope that this year I learn to fly a little bit higher.